Top 10 fashion faux pas
10. Lime green ostrich leather lederhosen 9. Adult sized onesies with hot rod flames 8. Ski mask pulled down under the nose when worn in a bank (over the nose is of course just fine in the current year) 7. Vintage 1980s gold lame party mini-dress worn to your...
Top 10 Reasons to learn your ancestral language
10. Convince telemarketers, bill collectors, and your annoying ex they got the wrong number 9. Kids won’t be able to decipher your discussions of what Santa’s not bringing them 8. Banish annoying people by pretending to not speak English 7. Now you can lord it over your lesser, monolingual...
Top 10 Signs of Spring on Vancouver Island
10. Crackheads adopt a more cheerful zombie shuffle 9. Yard is filled with mangled stumps where the deer have ruined your spring bulbs 8. Teenagers switch to a fruitier-smelling vape juice 7. Politicians seem somehow bouncier when they lie 6. Instead of unsolicited love advice, insane old cat ladies...
Unexpected Benefits of Being Friendzoned
Keeps your Friday nights free for watching HGTV (or binge drinking with your other loser single friends). More quality time spent with your cat. Save on birth control. Free to see other people, like Ben & Jerry’s. Can ask for favors without trading for sexual ones. Free to fuck...
Most Disturbing Things Overheard in Yoga Class
“I know this isn’t Bikram, but I’m stripping down to my undies anyway”! “Hey baby, wanna do some heavy breathing and downward facing dog for two later at my place?” “Fuck you, I want the spot in the middle of the room!” “I like that this company donates 50...
Unexpected Downsides to Going Back to School as an Adult
10. Profs won’t accept “the dog ate my homework” unless you can show that it’s a rescue dog. 9. History prof gets pissed off when you correct his version of events you were present at when he was in elementary school. 8. Hard to convince your prof to bang...
Celebrity Diets That Never Took Off
10. The Rosie O’Donnell Stick a Hot Dog in Your Vag, Not Your Mouth Diet 9. Listen To One Direction Til You Puke Yourself Thin 8. The Morrissey Mope And Munch Vegetarian Diet 7. Janeane Garafalo’s Seething Off the Pounds Diet 6. Clint Eastwood’s Empty Plate Diet 5. Ted...
A few changes God needs to get working on
10. Calorie-free donuts. 9. Humans should jump as easily as kangaroos to reach things on the top shelves. 8. Diamonds are supposed to be cheap, cleaning products are supposed to be expensive. 7. Pizza delivery never results in as much sex as the porno movies imply. 6. Boring jobs...
Complaints of school teachers on summer vacation
10. No free apples 9. Stuck caring for the class gerbil 8. Missing the power of being able to flunk 7. Running into your students at the beach leads to having to explain what cellulite is 6. Kids are more stoked about flashcards than husbands 5. Facebook friends will...
Rejected national mottos for Canada
10. …And Timbits for all 9. Leafs suck! 8. Hey, that’s very offensive! 7. Never say to someone’s face what you can anonymously complain about to City Hall 6. Gone to the lake 5. The best beer on earth 4. It is what it is. 3. Dinged again… eh,...