1. What’s your favourite vegetable on your new diet?
a. Broccoli’s not all that bad when you slather it in paleo-friendly butter.
b. Pickles count, right? I like extra pickles.
c. Pizza sauce is made from tomatoes and it totally counts.
2. How’s it going at the gym?
a. I hate it, but I suffer through it in order to catch up with last month’s People Magazine gossip on the treadmill.
b. It’s not my fault the gyms are closed where I live.
c. Did you know if you pay your personal trainer double, he’ll do all the exercise while you sit there and stare at his ass while he does squats?
3. How’s the whole quitting smoking thing coming along?
a. I discovered that I quite like cherry-flavoured vape juice.
b. Five packs of nicotine gum a day and three patches on my ass and I feel great!
c. Shut up and gimme a light.
4. How goes the shop local and reduce consumerism thing?
a. Look, I know Nike uses Chinese slave labour, but if I don’t buy them, those slaves won’t have jobs, OK?
b. Well… the Walmart is local, isn’t it? I mean, it’s 2 miles from my house.
c. Can’t shop local when you’re buying Colombia’s finest export.
5. How’s the attitude of gratitude working out?
a. God is dead and there is nothing to be thankful for except the sweet release of our inevitable deaths.
b. Still waiting for my ex to die in a fire first. I’ll get back to you when he does.
c. Go to Hell.