Pop Quiz: How much do you know about St. Patrick?

1. The “snakes” St. Patrick rid Ireland of were
a. actual snakes, like cobras and shit
b. non-existent fables because Ireland never had snakes
c. the indigenous Druidic shamans who rightfully ruled the place before he got uppity

2. Patrick came from
a. Rome
b. Dublin
c. England, like everyone else that meddles in Irish affairs

3. Patrick was captured and enslaved by Irish pirates who
a. made him work as a shepherd for 6 years
b. promised to ensure their descendants would forevermore get drunk on green beer in his honor
c. probably should have tossed him overboard

4. Rumor has it that when Patrick came to Ireland as a missionary, he
a. was accused of financial improprieties by other Christians
b. baptized thousands of people
c. told the Irish dancing was only sinful if they moved their arms

5. Patrick used the shamrock because
a. it helped him illustrate the concept of the trinity
b. he thought it was lucky
c. marijuana had yet to be introduced to Ireland and the druids wouldn’t share their magic mushrooms