A brief history of Agnes’ lawn
It’s time for a bit of worldbuilding, in which I write about some aspect of one of the settings for one of my comics. This time, we’re in the realm of my comic project Noah’s Archipelago and we’re talking about the place where Noah and his family live.
Let’s have a tour of Noah’s house, shall we?
Well, first off: it’s not Noah’s house, he just lives there. It’s Ruth’s house… well, it’s her parents’ guesthouse, actually. Ruth moved in on her 18th birthday as a trial run for living on her own and she’s still there, now plus Noah after they got married. And their two kids, Ursula and baby Valerie.
This, of course, means that Ursula need only run across the patio bridging the two houses when she needs to go snitch to Agnes should Noah fail to do her bidding.
Which is often, since he keeps insisting she needs to do her homework and go to school and keeps denying that candy is one of the 4 food groups.
But dietary quibbles are a story for another day.
Frank and Agnes Burgoyne bought this large square property in the wealthy Oak Bay district of Victoria, BC, long ago when Frank was still a Member of Parliament.
For her part, Ursula doesn’t believe this actually happened as to the best of her recollection, Grandpa Frank was always retired. This whole “Grandpa Frank was an MP and in Cabinet” thing is clearly just a fable grownups tell children to try to con them into paying attention in social studies block.
In any case, the property came outlined in slender evergreens, probably some variety of arborvitae, spaced just enough to give the impression of a series of Mediterranean cypress spires rather than a plain boring hedge. It also came with an enormous lush lawn, which was flat—a rare sight indeed in the hilly Victoria region.
Agnes loved the big house, which she promptly filled with expensive antiques, but she loved the lawn even more. She swore to never let so much as a single weed or flower ruin it. The kids, future big-time criminal defence attorney Norm and future second-grade school teacher Ruth, also loved the lawn, but preferred the large pool in the summers.
The big house was corner to corner with a little guest house… well, if you consider 2000 square feet little. Which Agnes does, though Frank points out when he was growing up on the farm in Manitoba, the barn wasn’t even 2000 square feet.
The guest house served its duty well when Frank was still working and entertaining all sorts of friends from across the country and around the world, but after he retired, this slowed down. They talked about the kids moving out into it upon turning 18; this was done under the pretence of giving them their own space to transition into independent adulthood, but really it was so Agnes could have more peace and quiet.
Norm was the first to hit the magic number, but he was badgered into attending law school at the University of Ottawa so that Agnes could attempt to bully him into becoming an MP like his father and someday Prime Minister, the better for Agnes to lord that over all the other socialite wives at the yacht club, country club, and the Union Club, several of whom have had MP husbands but none of whom have birthed a Prime Minister.
So far Norm has resisted that pressure, preferring a career in criminal law, but Agnes figures there’s still time. And Norm has teenaged sons she is now working on as a back-up plan.
Ruth, however, had much more modest ambitions. Her love of reading had led her to volunteering teaching literacy as a teen and she picked the University of Victoria’s Bachelor of Elementary Education program. Which was fine with Agnes as it was expected Ruth would marry a wealthy businessman or politician and then quit her silly career to raise heirs and become a socialite just like her mother.
As such, Ruth got the green light to move into the little guest house as a temporary measure.
Twenty years later, the temporary measure is looking more or less permanent. And much to Agnes’ eternal dismay, Ruth failed to choose a wealthy businessman or politician… or even a doctor or so much as a dentist… no, Ruth picked a several-times divorced rock singer of many local bands whose day job at the time of their meeting was busking as a unicyle juggler down in the touristy area around Victoria’s inner harbor. (He was also a janitor 4 nights a week, but that’s less scandalous to complain about to Agnes’ friends.)
Despite Agnes’ machinations, she never did manage to get Ruth and Noah broken up in time before they said “I do” in a simple ceremony in Norm’s backyard up the Saanich peninsula with Norm and Melissa’s horses and goats as witness along with family, friends, and half the local rock scene’s losers. And Noah’s teenaged sons from his first couple of marriages.
The day after Noah and Ruth returned from their honeymoon in the Florida Keys, Noah’s buddy Mike brought a pick-up truck of all Noah’s worldly possessions. (Most of which were storage bins full of goofy costumes for his various busking and band gigs.) From that day forward Agnes has been grumbling about her idiot son-in-law ruining her lawn in ways that always seem to exactly correspond with things Frank had suggested over the years and been shot down by Agnes.
First, the patios and pathways got outlined in rose bushes and other flowering and fruiting shrubs.
Then there came the veggie garden with its raised beds. Just a couple at first, but every year a couple more got added.
Then compost bins, but Agnes was at least able to demand that they be put in the far corner next to the pool of her most hated neighbor in case any stench were to arise… which it hasn’t… yet.
Then the mini orchard along the side property line behind the little guest house, with two dwarf apple trees, two pears, two cherries, and two of those multi-variety grafted “fruit salad” trees that have a mix of peaches, nectarines, plums, and apricots on them. Plus Frank and Noah added the chicken coop and run.
Most recently, Frank and Noah added a hoop house greenhouse during one of Agnes’ Vegas getaways with her sisters. It’s an absolute eyesore. On the other hand, it, too, is next to and fully visible from Mrs. Dunsmuir’s pool, so while Agnes complains, she’s not as inclined to make them swap it for a more aesthetically pleasing Hartley glasshouse… yet.
But she has made it very clear to her idiot son-in-law (and her idiot husband) that there shall be no further farm-ification of her beloved lawn. They can also stop wasting their breath trying to convince her of the supposed benefits of attracting more birds and wildlife and butterflies to the lawn as all that means is her patio set has more bird droppings on it.
She probably should have checked to ensure they didn’t have their fingers crossed behind their backs when they agreed, being that Noah and Frank have been taking secret beekeeping classes this fall. Little does Agnes know they already have their stash of beekeeping suits and gears and their first empty hive hidden away at Noah’s eldest son Adam’s house in Langford, ready for installation when their first nuc is ready for pick up in May.
Well… at least Oak Bay’s bylaws will prevent them from acquiring any goats… for now.
