Deleted Scene: Pam vs. Richard (The Nick White Show)
Hey all, I forgot we have 5 Wednesdays in September and the 5th Wednesday according to my schedule is kinda a free-for-all.
So… let’s have a deleted scene, shall we?
This was to be a scene in a longer episode I had planned for The Nick White Show, which I never got very far in. It was originally written in a typical screenplay format, but I’ve tweaked it to read a bit easier in a blog.
The scene involves Richard Browne, the sleazy mix engineer who often works at Nick’s recording studio (you can get a vibe of both of these assholes in this skit), and Richard’s pudgy and long-suffering wife Pam.
They have just dropped their youngest daughter off at the airport to fly to Louisville, Kentucky, where she’ll be attending university. Pam and Richard are walking towards their car in the parking lot:
RICHARD: Wow, I can’t believe our little Rebecca’s all grown up and off to school already.
PAM: Thank God. Finally.
RICHARD: Time flies when you’re having fun, huh?
PAM: You would know.
RICHARD: Y’know, back when Rebecca was born I think I only had 4 platinum records.
PAM (muttering): And only 7 strains of gonnorhea.
RICHARD: What’s that?
PAM: Nothing. Y’know, Richard, I’ve been thinking. Life is going to be so different now that the kids have grown up and moved out.
RICHARD: Yeah, we’ll have a lot more time.
PAM: I’ll have a lot more time. You’ve always been M.I.A. so it makes no difference to your lifestyle.
RICHARD: Hey! I’ve been around!
PAM (muttering): No kidding.
RICHARD: Well, I mean, the girls always knew I’d answer the phone when they called. Or at least I’d get back to them later the same day.
PAM: How thoughtful of you to squeeze your daughters into your busy schedule.
RICHARD: Hey, I made the girls a priority!
PAM: I’m talking about our girls, not girls in general.
RICHARD: Yeah, but, um… look, we did OK. At least neither of ours has green hair and pretends to be a puppy on the Internet like George O’Riley’s girl. Or is a Hollywood escort like at least one of Nick White’s.
PAM: No thanks to you.
RICHARD: Hey, I sat Rebecca down when she was 10 and explained that it’s better to find one rich dude to marry one time than to bang lots of dudes for small amounts thousands of times. She told me later that’s why she got into horses!
PAM: I can’t believe you let her go to the University of Louisville.
RICHARD: Oh, c’mon, Pam – it’s where the Kentucky Derby is, and she already got a job at the track!
PAM: In “Guest Services” for Millionaires Row. I don’t like the sound of that.
RICHARD: It’s not like that, Pam! It’s basically being a waitress crossed with an info booth attendant. Besides, Nick said he’ll keep an eye out for her when he’s down there boozing and betting at the big races.
PAM: Nick? You’re relying on that degenerate swine to make sure our little girl goes unmolested?
RICHARD: Now, Pam, Rebecca’s not Nick’s type. And she told me she despises him… however, she did say that if he was on his deathbed and marrying her with no pre-nup would give him some small comfort and joy in his final few moments, she’d do it. (pause) We really raised such a kind, caring girl.
PAM: All that math ability, and you let her waste it on betting odds and stupid horse stats and gold-digging instead of being an engineer or an astronaut or even just an accountant!
RICHARD: Now, Pam, they teach accounting in that Equine Business program she’s taking.
PAM: What’s she gonna do with such a stupid degree, become a bookie?
RICHARD: Huh… I dunno. Maybe that’s why she’s doing a minor in statistics?
PAM: From one of America’s lousiest schools.
RICHARD: Oh, c’mon, Pam – don’t you want Rebecca to be happy? She likes horses! And the rich old men who own them.
PAM: Why can’t she get a real degree and earn her own money?
RICHARD: Look, if she finds some geezer to marry, it’ll be her own money soon enough.
PAM: Hmph! Well at least Tanya decided to make her own money as a dental hygienist.
RICHARD: Exactly! I told you we did good!
PAM: Anyway, I was thinking it’s time I got my life back. And my body back.
RICHARD: That’s great, Pam!
PAM: In fact, I’m thinking I need to lose at least, oh, I dunno… (she looks Richard up and down) 165 pounds?
RICHARD: Wow, that’s fantastic! You gonna do Weight Watchers again?
PAM: No, I was thinking of something a little more straightforward.
RICHARD: Keto?
PAM: Simpler than that.
RICHARD: Fasting?
PAM: Divorce.
RICHARD: That must be a new one, I never heard of the Divorce Diet… wait, what?
PAM: Get the fuck out of my house, Dick.
RICHARD: You can’t do that! It’s my house! I bought it!
PAM: I want the house here in town, you can have the condos in Whistler and LA. Too many of your whores randomly popping in there anyway.
RICHARD: But where am I gonna live?
PAM: Don’t know, don’t care. Your shit’s all boxed up on the back porch and I already set up mail forwarding so all your crap goes to the studio.
RICHARD: Wait, where am I gonna sleep tonight?
PAM: Where did you sleep last night?
RICHARD: Candy’s! Er, um, I was working late.
PAM: Well, I guess you can go work late at Candy’s again.
RICHARD: C’mon, Pam, don’t do this!
PAM: Too late, I already called the lawyer and changed the locks.
Pam walks away, leaving Richard standing confused in the airport parking lot.
While it’s been a few years since the last Nick White video, I haven’t completely abandoned Nick and the rest of his crew. In fact, I have a nebulous idea for a standalone novel involving them and repurposing scenes like this.
It’s just a bit lower on the priority list right now and also I’m kinda thinking of making it an epistolary novel told through emails, texts, interview transcripts, and journal entries. And I have probably 150 screenplay pages from various episodes of the show I never made, plus word documents with outlines of yet more unfinished episodes, so there’s a lot to wade through and sort out and decide on.
I have a general plot arc in mind but around that would be a lot of little vignettes like this which may or may not prove relevant enough… for example, Richard is one of Nick’s main antagonists, but Nick is the antagonist of the novel, so the break-up of Richard’s marriage may be neither here nor there, or it might be something the other characters gossip about in passing, so this scene probably won’t be in the actual novel in any manner.
Anyway, there ya go.
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