Another week, another vapid life update post… this time with more Barbies… LOL…
Posted On May 1, 2021
Well, it’s Saturday, and more importantly, it’s the day after Walpurgisnacht, which passed with no major calamities this year, so we’ll call that a win.
At least for me. I fucking hope the slug bait pellets I scatted in the garden last night caused some major calamities for those goddamn little vermin, who have already been busy trying to ruin my veggie starts and seedlings.
Speaking of the garden, I still have flowering bulbs, but they’re starting to peter out. Hopefully the columbine catches up to fill the gaps because I don’t expect the roses til the end of the month and the really big rhodos might be a couple weeks yet as well.
Anyway… no Under My Skin this past week. I’m tweaking the structure of it a bit, shortening it, etc. and should return with a new episode this coming Wednesday.
Maybe. I dunno if it’s worth bothering, but whatever. I guess I’m writing comedy so I should have a comedy podcast in a “if all your friends jumped off a bridge, would you do it too?” sorta way.
But a comedy podcast moreso than a rant podcast as it has been.
And I have some other writing on the go, but it won’t be under my own name, so never mind.
After much dithering, I figured I’ll stick to my own name for any comedy writing, so let’s talk about that web series I really need to start actually making soon.
As I’ve said before, my cast is Barbies, and while I have all my main characters, I need some extras. Y’know, groupies for the main character, minor friends and associates, etc.
There’s a scene in the first episode where one of the main characters references her cunty older sister who always beat her in beauty pageants and laughed at her failures.
Well, the other day I was at Superstore and I ventured into the toy section as I am wont to do, and I spot a couple of the Made to Move Barbies (I need jointed dolls so they’re a little more realistic in the posing). One was a bland blonde but I have enough of those now, the other had slightly ginger hair and the right face to be the cunty older sister.
It occurred to me in the store that she seemed a little chubbier than the usual Barbies but she was also posed kinda sideways in the box so it wasn’t too obvious. Whatever, the face is what matters.
But… when I got her home, holy shit, it’s Cankles Wide Load Barbie.
Now, this works for my purpose because it means the younger sister gets the last laugh… or would, if she had the requisite brains to laugh and if she wasn’t currently earning her living as a stripper/hooker whilst waiting for a rich dude to be stupid enough to marry her.
I have a whole spiel about Chubby Barbies on the upcoming episode of Under My Skin, but I guess for now I can say this: when I was an 18/19 year old bleached blonde bimbo screwing a dude in his 30s who worked in tech theatre, apparently one of his pals spotted us together in downtown Vancouver and he quickly got a boost from all the dudes at his work on account of “Holy shit, Mark’s banging Barbie!”
Now, almost 25 years later, I once again look like a Barbie doll… unfortunately, it’s the fat one on the right.
Oh well. All the more motivation to put down the fork and get back to looking like regular Barbie.
Speaking of which: I’ve probably mentioned on this blog (and certainly on Under My Skin) about my weight loss.
Well, it’s the first of the month and that means I’ve done my monthly weigh-in and measurements for the nifty little spreadsheet I’ve been keeping since July 1, 2020.
As of today I am down 39.6lbs (my understanding is the average Millennial gained that much this year, and the average Gen X’er like me gained about 30 so I guess that means I’m 70lbs ahead of the game for my age range?). I have lost 5.25″ off my boobs (that shit can stop any day now, lol… time to preserve the titties!). 6.5″ off my belly. 5″ off my hips. 3.5″ off my upper thighs. And 1.5″ off my calves.
So… I may still look like Cankles Barbie, but I’m making progress.
But back to the ever-growing extra Barbie collection. I have 3 extra blondes and a brunette who looks vaguely Asian so far:
(Plus 2 more that just arrived today but I haven’t had a chance to unbox and redress those yet.)
Of course, these 4 look younger, which is appropriate but also… well, my main character is an aging rock star, and if the comments on Duran Duran’s social media posts is anything to go by, he’s gonna need some middle-aged Karens* who think they have a chance with him.
Whether he likes it or not (guaranteed he doesn’t).
*Common types: grandmas who have 38 year old photos of John Taylor in tight leather pants as their Facebook avatars instead of pics of them with their grandkids (who must surely wonder what the fuck is wrong with Nana), wine aunts/cat ladies, thirsty old married women who post about how hot and sexy their “secret boyfriend” JT or Simon Le Bon is (and what they hope to do with said secret boyfriend) whilst their main profile insists they’re happily married to whatsisface, bitter neurotics with nothing in their lives but their favorite 80s band and divisive/insulting leftist political rhetoric posted 100 times a day each, and candidates for Dr. Now’s knife on your favorite TLC crash dieting show.
Granted, this is an unfair sample, because most fans of the band don’t even follow their FB page, let alone obsessively comment on every single post. But then again, normal, sane, well-adjusted fans will have no place in a comedy web series’ plotlines either, so the crazies are the correct model to base things on for my show.
Now, this is a problem, or it would be except for shit like the “Inspiring Women” line of Barbies.
Not to insult the achievements of these ladies, but in terms of the dolls? Frumpy and can be made more so by choosing the right doll clothes. (All of mine are redressed from what they came in.)
These dolls are the stuff a middle-aged rock star’s nightmares are made of, should any of them manage to sneak backstage.
Well, you don’t have to be ugly to be funny, but it sure does help.
Anyway, I haven’t ordered the four frumps yet, but I probably will next week to make sure I have them on hand to torment my main character with.
I think that will give me 11 or 12 extra Barbies, not counting the couple who are minor characters (Cankles Barbie as the sister of one of my mains will make semi-regular appearances, I also have another main with a sister, and the rock star’s spoiled rotten princess youngest daughter, none of which would be used in crowd scenes.) And I’m keeping an eye out on eBay to find more for cheaper.
By the time I start shooting this thing over the summer I may well have more Barbies than I ever had as a little kid… maybe if I include the Jem dolls I used to have? Meh… I’ll probably still have more now.
I certainly have more Kens, with 4 main male characters and one extra, who may or may not currently be dressed up as a certain Irish vocalist that all my friends seem to despise, lol… although he’s only convincing if shot from behind… but in any case, his first appearance in the show will be in episode 5 where he will be playing the role of a dorky drummer who’d rather be playing jazz but who got roped into playing in his cousin’s punk band. That’s all background, of course, and is barely mentioned as his main purpose is to annoy the two adulterous main male characters by continually asking where their wedding rings are.
(Based on a true studio story from back in the day, only the actual drummer dude didn’t know shit about jazz.)
I may require 2 or 3 more Kens, but it turns out it’s rather difficult to acquire Kens that are both articulated and have real-looking rooted hair as opposed to the plastic molded shit.
Sigh… if need be, I may have to do some Frankensteining. Like ordering 5 articulated Kens that all look the same, popping their heads off, removing current hair and re-doing it to customize. Or getting Kens with non-articulated bodies but the right kind of hair and extra jointed ones, and swapping heads.
I actually did the re-doing the hair thing on my main Ken, probably in 2013 for a photography project that I ended up never pursuing. It’s not that difficult, just annoying and time consuming and I’d prefer to not have to do that shit over again, especially not multiple times.
Since I’m going on about Barbie, this seems like as good a time as any to bitch about how they’re making more and more Barbies flat-footed, which is fine, except they don’t really sell much in the way of flat shoes for Barbie in the accessory packs. Motherfuckers.
I’m starting to wonder if I’ll eventually have to get a 3D printer for some of this shit… sigh…
But anyway… so… I’ve been playing with Barbies a lot this week.