Pretentious Names

Friend of mine was mentioning a 22 year old colleague of hers named Sterling.

Jesus, the 90s were fucked up. Well, at least it’s not Madisyn.

Apparently the chicks at this business networking thing she was at all gushed about how much they love his name. There’s something in the female psyche which is strangely impressed by weird names.

And yeah, I know the irony of saying that considering my own name, but then, I’ve learned firsthand that sometimes a unique name is a major hassle, if not an outright handicap.

Chicks give their kids names like that not thinking of the kid’s life, but rather of how the other moms will be impressed by the name they chose. It’s a kid-as-fashion-accessory thing… I guess it’s Snowflake-By-Proxy Syndrome: If you name your kid Jeffrey, no snowflake points. Half a point for Geoffrey, 10 points for anything rhyming with Braeden, 15 points for the more grotesque misspellings thereof.

But if you call him Tarragon Voltaire? Squeeeeeeee!! 27,000,000 snowflake points!

Same broads go into Homesense every couple of days and drop $50 buying the mass produced wall plaques about dreams and uniqueness etc. like YOU ARE SPECIAL AND AWESOME AND PERFECT JUST THE WAY YOU ARE!!!

Meanwhile, little Tarragon’s at school getting pounded into a locker by a kid named Grayson Bentley (who can at least call himself Gray, which isn’t as horrible).

I mean, whites like to snicker over some other ethnicities naming their kids D’shon or LaWhateva, but it’s the same damn bullshit and half the time the white kids’ names are spelled even weirder.

And on that note, there have been studies lamenting how a resume from Shaniqua gets fewer interviews than the same resume from Shannon, but I bet as the Millennials come up we find that Madysenne gets fewer interviews than Marilyn too.

But hey, that just means Madysenne’s mommy doesn’t have to fear empty nest syndrome ever, since Madysenne will never be able to afford to move out.

Unless of course he decides to turn tricks or become a stripper, but even there, he’ll need to use a manlier stage name. Or at least if he must use something trendy, he’ll have to go with something stronger like Brock.

Anyway, my friend thought the name Sterling was reminiscent of Pride and Prejudice.

I was thinking more Harlequin than Austen, actually.

Besides, most of the characters in Pride and Prejudice have names like George, Charles, Lydia, Catherine, and Mary.

Your typical Harlequin romance characters, however, are a lot closer to Sterling. Teague, Quinn, Garrett, Beauregard, Callum, etc.

Kinda like with the UVA rape hoax, Jackie’s imaginary friend who orchestrated her imaginary gang rape was no mere Bob Simpson, Hell no!

Bob Simpson might be a lowly plumber, certainly not special enough to gang rape her precious vag. And why would Rolling Stone care to write about Bob Simpson’s crimes?

On no, Jackie needed someone special for her hoax. She was pretend-raped by Haven Monahan.

Now, that sounds like a dashing guy who spends a lot of time in Nantucket and Aspen doing not much of anything thanks to an inherited fortune. That sounds like the sort of guy Rolling Stone wants for their dashing villain.

Meanwhile, I guarantee you a Sterling or a Haven or a Beauregard will get their ass kicked by Jeff or Matt or Mike every damn time.